Losing pregnancies, finding hope
I’ll be starting IVF when my next period arrives. I’ve been impatient to get to this stage, so why aren’t I more excited now I’m here? Basically, I think it comes down to control – or a lack of it. I am someone who uses control to calm myself, to quiet the anxiety that… Continue reading Preparing for IVF: A control freak’s plan
The last few weeks have been pretty eventful in fertility terms. Less than a month ago, I was in hospital having surgical removal of our fourth miscarriage. Since then, we’ve had our genetic testing results and an IVF consultation – both things we were expecting a much longer wait for. Genetic testing of the ‘products… Continue reading Genetic testing results and returning to IVF
There’s one thing that has happened to me since I’ve experienced pregnancy loss. Dread of other people’s pregnancy announcements. They come out of the blue. I can be scrolling through social media mindlessly when *wallop* I’ll see a 12 week ultrasound scan. Or *smack* I see a photo of the happy couple, man gently cupping… Continue reading Feeling the dread: pregnancy announcements after loss
After two miscarriages, at the age of 39 I was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at my local hospital. 9 months, an array of blood tests, multiple scans and another miscarriage later, I finally got to meet with a clinic consultant. I was told that my blood test results had come back normal, so… Continue reading To IVF or not to IVF?
Given that I’ve just started psychotherapy, 15 months after my first miscarriage, I thought now would be a good time to talk about accessing mental health support via the NHS in England. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of fantastic things about the National Health Service, the fact that it’s free, for one. Its… Continue reading Waiting, waiting, waiting: accessing mental health services after miscarriage
By the time I got pregnant for the third time, my feelings about conceiving had completely changed. Gone was the instant joy, replaced instead with a confusion of emotions, muted relief that I’d managed to get pregnant and fear that something would go wrong. Gone was the assumption of a carefree pregnancy, replaced instead with… Continue reading Third pregnancy, third miscarriage: back to square one
Trying to conceive. Sounds so innocuous, doesn’t it, when you say it quickly? But when you’re living it month after month, it has a tendency to take over your life. And not in a good way. My cycle follows an exact pattern every month: Cycle Day 1 (CD1) My period starts: cue disappointment, tears and… Continue reading Slave to the cycle
After our first miscarriage, nobody suggested that we stop trying for a baby. After our second, people encouraged us to keep going - after all, you can only have so much bad luck. Now we’ve had a third, I have noticed a subtle but very definite shift in people’s attitudes. “Maybe you should wait for… Continue reading “I can’t do this anymore” Knowing when to stop trying
Miscarriage can be the darkest of places. Initially, you may have to work your way through the hall of horrors when you find out your pregnancy has failed. Fear, adrenaline and a desire to get as far away as possible take over. You might make a temporary stop at the parlour of pain when your body… Continue reading Miscarriage: the importance (and beauty) of female support
At the exact moment my husband and I found out our first pregnancy had failed, a huge hole opened up right in the centre of me. I have never known a pain like it. It may be difficult for anyone who has not experienced it to understand, but I knew I would never be the… Continue reading Joyous news: the first pregnancy
Just another miscarriage 