My husband and I have just reached the two-year mark since we made the decision to stop trying for a baby. The four miscarriages and unsuccessful IVF of the previous three years had wrung us out. We couldn’t reignite that spark of hope that the next pregnancy would bring us a living child. And so… Continue reading Living childless: the first two years
For those of you who know my story, you know how difficult the last three years have been, both for me and for my husband. Getting married in June 2017, we had no idea of the difficulties we’d face in bringing a child into our family. The initial excitement of our first pregnancy was soon… Continue reading Forging a new path: moving forward childless
IVF was going to be a last chance saloon for me and my husband. We’d already had four miscarriages in 2.5 years and although we knew the odds of IVF working were low - around 15% according to our consultant - we also knew we couldn’t give up without at least having tried. Our… Continue reading An IVF diary: short protocol
I’ll be starting IVF when my next period arrives. I’ve been impatient to get to this stage, so why aren’t I more excited now I’m here? Basically, I think it comes down to control – or a lack of it. I am someone who uses control to calm myself, to quiet the anxiety that… Continue reading Preparing for IVF: A control freak’s plan
When I was about 6 weeks into my first pregnancy, I leant over the kitchen worktop really hard to close a window that was just out of reach. When I was trying to conceive my second pregnancy, I started taking baby aspirin tablets and I carried on taking them after my positive pregnancy test.… Continue reading Why are women blamed for pregnancy loss?
The last few weeks have been pretty eventful in fertility terms. Less than a month ago, I was in hospital having surgical removal of our fourth miscarriage. Since then, we’ve had our genetic testing results and an IVF consultation – both things we were expecting a much longer wait for. Genetic testing of the ‘products… Continue reading Genetic testing results and returning to IVF
After four pregnancy losses, you’d think I’d know what to expect in the days and weeks after miscarriage. But I don't, because each time I’ve found myself in this unenviable position, the aftermath has been different. Miscarriage One After miscarriage #1 came devastation. Not only in an emotional sense, but also the physical changes as… Continue reading The aftermath of loss: what comes after the miscarriage?
Finding out about our fourth miscarriage - our third missed miscarriage - felt like reliving a particularly bad dream. I hoped we’d never hear the words ‘I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat’ again, but there was the sonographer, going through the now-familiar routine of patting my knee while breaking the bad news. Me and my husband… Continue reading Miscarriage #4: time to stop trying?
I look at the pregnancy test, taken only to confirm what I already know - another month without getting pregnant. But hang on a minute, what’s that? I can see a faint greyish smudge on my cheapie pregnancy test strip, I’m sure of it. I’ve already thrown my pee away, so I can’t test again… Continue reading Pregnant after loss…again
Today marks the end of this year’s National Infertility Awareness Week, an event originating in the States, but which involves people of all nationalities via social media. And it goes to show just how distracted I’ve been that I’ve only just realised. This time last year, I was pregnant, and just about to find out… Continue reading The IVF letter you don’t want to receive during COVID-19