Losing pregnancies, finding hope
I’ll be starting IVF when my next period arrives. I’ve been impatient to get to this stage, so why aren’t I more excited now I’m here? Basically, I think it comes down to control – or a lack of it. I am someone who uses control to calm myself, to quiet the anxiety that… Continue reading Preparing for IVF: A control freak’s plan
If my first pregnancy had been successful, we’d have an eleven month-old baby now. If the second had worked out, we’d have an eight month-old. If the third had gone to term, we’d have a newborn baby. But instead, me and my husband are having another Christmas as a family of two. Don’t get me… Continue reading Welcoming in change: overcoming a year of grief
There’s one thing that has happened to me since I’ve experienced pregnancy loss. Dread of other people’s pregnancy announcements. They come out of the blue. I can be scrolling through social media mindlessly when *wallop* I’ll see a 12 week ultrasound scan. Or *smack* I see a photo of the happy couple, man gently cupping… Continue reading Feeling the dread: pregnancy announcements after loss
After two miscarriages, at the age of 39 I was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at my local hospital. 9 months, an array of blood tests, multiple scans and another miscarriage later, I finally got to meet with a clinic consultant. I was told that my blood test results had come back normal, so… Continue reading To IVF or not to IVF?
By the time I got pregnant for the third time, my feelings about conceiving had completely changed. Gone was the instant joy, replaced instead with a confusion of emotions, muted relief that I’d managed to get pregnant and fear that something would go wrong. Gone was the assumption of a carefree pregnancy, replaced instead with… Continue reading Third pregnancy, third miscarriage: back to square one
Trying to conceive the first time Our first pregnancy happened after 3 months of trying. Three months which seemed endless at the time, but were actually blissfully short now I look back with the benefit of hindsight. At that early stage of trying to conceive, I was waiting, full of anticipation and expectation, to see… Continue reading Beacon of Hope: trying again after loss
Trying to conceive. Sounds so innocuous, doesn’t it, when you say it quickly? But when you’re living it month after month, it has a tendency to take over your life. And not in a good way. My cycle follows an exact pattern every month: Cycle Day 1 (CD1) My period starts: cue disappointment, tears and… Continue reading Slave to the cycle
After our first miscarriage, nobody suggested that we stop trying for a baby. After our second, people encouraged us to keep going - after all, you can only have so much bad luck. Now we’ve had a third, I have noticed a subtle but very definite shift in people’s attitudes. “Maybe you should wait for… Continue reading “I can’t do this anymore” Knowing when to stop trying
My second miscarriage was completely different to my first and third for a number of reasons, not least because nobody knew where the pregnancy actually was. Pregnancy of unknown location (PUL) is a term used to describe pregnancies when hcg levels are raised but an ultrasound scan doesn’t show anything in your uterus or Fallopian… Continue reading Pregnant…but where? A pregnancy of unknown location
On Monday 25 June 2018, a date that will be forever etched in my brain, me and my husband returned home with heavy hearts, after learning our already much-loved baby was no longer alive. We’d had an ultrasound scan that day, as I’d had some brown spotting and minor cramping the day before. We’d both… Continue reading Miscarriage…naturally
Just another miscarriage 