IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Desperation and Dr Google

I’ve just found out that my uterine lining is too thin to sustain a pregnancy. This is upsetting in itself, but what I’m really struggling with is…what do I do now? 

Prior to this, I’ve not had any specific issues I’ve known about – apart from the miscarriages of course – so this is new territory for me.

My immediate instinct, like a lot of people, is to turn to Dr Google. I’ve just checked my phone’s Google history and there are tens of searches in the vein of:

  • How to thicken uterine lining
  • Supplements to improve uterine lining
  • How long for endometrial lining to get thicker with Vitamin E
  • Causes of thin uterine lining

My mind is reacting to the news in a panic-stations way, questions and worries racing around, but going unanswered. 

I’m wondering if the last six months of trying (since my miscarriage surgery) have been a waste of time. Has the lining been like this the whole time? What has caused it – was my D&C done too ‘enthusiastically’? Does this mean there’s damage to my uterus? Or am I coming to the end of my fertile years and this is just a part of it?

I’ve wondered why I’m worrying about this so much and I think I’ve identified the problem: Dr Google is not a Dr at all. I am turning to technology because there is no doctor available to speak to. There are plenty of services where I’m on the books. But speaking to a qualified person who can answer my questions seems to be a test I am constantly failing at.

  • Fail 1: The sonographer told me the measurement of my lining – 5.6mm – but only when I asked her. I didn’t speak to anyone before or after her, and she batted away my questions – which was fair enough – with ‘I’m not a gynaecologist, I don’t know the answers’.
  • Fail 2: We don’t know when we will speak to a consultant about our blood, sperm and scan results. I asked the nurse who took my blood what we could expect and she gave a vague ‘the wait time changes all the time, you should get a letter in x to y number of weeks’.
  • Fail 3: The recurrent miscarriage clinic couldn’t find any problems. And until I’m pregnant again, I won’t see them, because there’s nothing more they can do.

So no consultants. No doctors. Nobody qualified to tell me what is happening to my body or how I (or they) can improve our chances of conceiving.

And in the meantime, the clock keeps ticking. This accounts for a large proportion of the panic. I am 41 in March. Being surrounded by articles telling me how my fertility is falling off a cliff, the waiting around only becomes more frustrating – and disheartening.

I’m still at the point where every day I am mourning the loss of my three pregnancies. I watch friends with their children and feel a pain that cuts to my core, fearing that me and my husband will never experience the magic of a biological child. 

Sometimes this mourning and pain turns to anger. I want us to walk in to clinic and refuse to leave until somebody speaks to us. But I don’t do that, because we all have to wait our turn. I know we would be seen faster if it was possible. It’s a simple case of inadequate funding. So instead of expressing it, the anger gets turned inward and joins my ever-present friends, worry, stress and blame. 

In practical terms, I always need to have a plan of action. It gives me a sense of control. And as I get more desperate, I care little for the economic implications – or often, even the scientific evidence – as long as I have a plan. £5 for a bottle of pomegranate juice? Ok! £20 for some Ubiquinol? No problem! At least that way I can feel I’m doing something.

And then I ask people what they recommend. Some new ideas, some I’ve heard before. Hmm, Bromelain you say, that’s a new one. Let me just check that with Dr Google…

3 thoughts on “Desperation and Dr Google”

  1. Dr. Google…sigh. I’ve been there so many times. So hard not to look though. I am also wondering about my lining post D&C. My periods are so different and lighter since. I really didn’t want the D&C bc I was so scared about it ruining my lining but it was unfortunately necessary. Wishing you the best as you continue to try.

    Like

    1. Thanks RJ. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. I hope you don’t have lining issues because of your D&C – the surgery itself is hard enough without having to deal with other knock-on effects when you’re just trying to move on. Wishing you all the best too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel this so hard, I feel like every scrap of information I can gather from a test result or comment from a doctor has me falling down the google rabbit hole coming back with lists of random fruits and supplements. I wish there were more clear answers, but until then, you’ll find me with Dr Google.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s